I'm not usually good with words, or showing my emotions, and feel almost always awkward when someone needs me to offer them comfort.
On this day two years ago I lived what was undoubtedly the worst day of my life.
As the second anniversary comes along, I still find myself feeling desolate and very much needing, wanting with all my heart for her to be here, even if only for a few minutes.
Looking back on the first year-post-event, it truly amazes me that I was able to do as much as I did.
But then I think about everything, and realise that I am still just barely functioning most days. I thought keeping a record of it, something I generally don't do very well, might be of help to me some day when I'll look back, and will perhaps need a reminder, however small, of what and who I am today.
Right now, it's good enough to still get out of bed in the morning even if I dont really want to.
Right now, as what was once the most joyous occasion to me steadily approaches, I hope that I will not miss her so much that I won't be able to breathe from it, but know already that it will not be the case.
I guess the other thing to record for posterity is that I don't know who I am without her, and am still trying to find that person inside.
Maybe next year I will come back to read this, and something will have changed.
Maybe next year I will have an answer.
In the meantime it's about all I can do to just keep breathing and to carry on moving forward in some way.
I tell myself that's what she would have wanted. And sometimes...it just about feels like that is enough.
You're still my rock, even though you're not here.
Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.